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Wikipedia Don't ask how he got in. He has a key. To everything. Martial arts instructors get to do that exact thing for living, passing their mystical knowledge on to a host of students via bizarre, seemingly unrelated tasks that only become clear once the training is complete.

Their methods are the result of decades of tutelage under great masters of the past. Their art is more of a religion than a form of combat.

They rarely speak, choosing their words carefully so that each syllable is laced with ancient wisdom gleaned from a lifetime of intense study and dedication.

Of course, martial arts instructors exist in the real world, too, and the list of requirements for the job must be mind-boggling.

That's why the movies portray these people as being almost magical -- after all, they're turning their students into living weapons.

To do that job in reality, at the very least you'd have to have devoted your entire life to the study of your art, passing rigorous tests that would cripple an average man.

Nope, not at all. You don't even need a black belt or a trainer's license. The martial arts industry has zero governmental or centralized regulations or standards, meaning that any dickhead can set up a school if they want.

Getty "Today, young wards, you'll tell the police officers outside that we've been training for the last 48 hours straight.

There's no word on exactly how many fake instructors are out there, but the problem is large enough that the martial arts community is pretty furious about it.

Several legit martial artists are hunting down and naming particularly blatant examples of fake instructors on a site called Bullshido. People have also written detailed instructions on how to spot a fake instructor , and apparently the fake martial artists are even unionizing, although someone should probably point out that their make-believe ninja moves are useless against real, actual karate.

Getty Still, they're very well-trained in Taek Ma Do. This means that you, too, can totally bullshit your way into martial arts instructordom pretty much any time you want.

Your options for this are practically unlimited, from inventing your own style to buying a certificate with hard cash to just claiming expertise in an established martial art.

Whichever avenue you choose, you can start giving courses right away. Just be careful to avoid sparring with someone who actually knows what the hell they are doing, or your ruse will become apparent almost immediately.

Getty "See, if we just remove the rubber mask, then we find the real culprit is -- oh. It's racism. Different men in the same business -- the business of solving crimes that the police either can't or won't.

Their methods may vary, but they all get results. Sure, they may take a bump or two in the process, but hey, that's just part of the job.

And it's not just some silly fictional job dreamed up by writers, either: Private investigator is a very real profession, and one that can be pretty diverse and interesting.

Getty "Diverse" here meaning "accelerating lung cancer and studying a child's brick. The reality of private investigation might not be quite as glamorous as the myth of it although we have to imagine that the temptation to speak in s gumshoe slang is pretty hard to resist , but that almost makes the people who actually do manage to work in the business seem even more awesome.

But how do they become private eyes? In the movies and on TV, they're usually ex-cops with years on the job. You'd almost have to be; after all, you'd need keen detection skills, dubious yet trustworthy underworld contacts, an intricate knowledge of the back alleys and motorways of the city's seedy underbelly and a perpetually refilling flask of whiskey.

No one just develops all the moxie for a job like that overnight. Getty It takes seven, maybe 12 DUIs. While spending years in the police force before getting booted out unceremoniously is definitely one way to become a private eye, there are alternate routes.

For instance, you could just take a short course online, like this one. Or if you don't like that one, try this one. There are plenty of training centers willing to let you in on all the wonderful secrets of private detection that require basically the same amount of effort from you as a few all-nighters stuck reading obscure Wikipedia articles.

At the end of the course, you press the "Print" button and voila! Out comes a diploma that actually enables you to start your new, awesome career as a private eye.

It literally couldn't be any easier. Getty The mood lighting will probably set you back a fortune, though. Wait, actually -- yes it could.

Now that we think about it, there is an even quicker road to your own trench coat and grubby office: You just need to happen to live in the right state.

You see, requirements for private investigators in the USA vary between states. Sure, in some states you need to pass a tedious examination and have a law enforcement background in order to get your license, while many others start throwing licenses at you if you just bother to skim through one of those online courses.

And then, of course, there's Colorado, Wyoming, Idaho, South Dakota and Mississippi, where you can just set up your office right the hell now, as these states have no requirements for private investigators whatsoever.

Getty "When trouble walked in on 4-inch heels, I thanked God I got my diploma in film noir cliches. Same goes for oral-anal contact if you're not using a barrier—like, ya know, said dental dam.

If you're with a trusted partner and you choose to go cheek-to-cheek hehe , just make sure you don't immediately switch to going down on a vagina or penis.

That also makes spreading an STI more likely. Unless you're ridiculously talented, chances are, your first time ever having sex wasn't your best.

So don't be surprised if you don't exactly nail your first rim job, either. Practice makes perfect. That said, Kort has a few recs to help you along.

First, he says, "The person who's getting the rim job should stay stationary, and the person giving it should experiment with how much they want to do, how little, and how deep they want their tongue to go in.

Both partners should embrace that experimentation—by constantly communicating with words and sounds about what feels good, says McBride.

Plus, the more open you are, the hotter it'll be. Sex is often more than just a physical experience. And rimming is no exception: Because it's so intimate in nature, experiencing one with your partner can significantly deepen your connection.

Case in point: McBride's research uncovered that many participants across multiple studies think "breaking taboos is sexy and adds to the erotic experience.

So don't be afraid to ask for a rim job, or offer to give your partner one, if the thought of it turns you on. It's trendy for a reason, after all—and it's much bigger than Nicki Minaj.

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Don't be afraid to experiment with the angle, says Goldstein. Try leaning your torso forward, and even kissing your partner.

Try leaning back slightly, placing your hands behind you on your partner's thighs or knees if needed. Try tilting your pelvis forward, and then back.

And if you enjoy clitoral play, feel free to ask your partner to get their hands in on the action. Face-to-face booty banging offers the possible intimacies of eye-contact and kissing.

And, because the penetrator can see the receiver's face, there's the benefit of non-verbal communication. Everyone has an "ouch! Since this anal sex position doesn't give the receiving partner full control, he recommends saving this for the second or third time.

When you've done your "homework" and are ready to try it, start by getting into classic missionary position: If you're the one receiving, lay on your back and have your partner lay between your legs.

When you're ready to be penetrated, draw your knees to your chest, to help open your body up. Remember: "It ain't about shoving it in!

Another tip? Reach between your legs play with your clit, or tease your nipples. Or you might a clit suction vibe , which usually feels tantalizing on nipples as well.

Here's how it works: Start by teasing your clitoris. You might use your fingers, a hand-held vibe like the Le Wand Petite , or the Eva II , which secures to the labia and can provide continuous stimulation when you get to the anal penetration.

Next, lube up and have your partner press the tip of their penis or dildo against your opening. When you're ready, press back against them and feel yourself accepting the heft.

Work with your partner to find a pace and rhythm that feels pleasurable. And, it avoids putting extra pressure on the wrists like hands and knees regular doggy.

Cheers to completely pain-free sex. Any spoon position is going to be cozy AF—and comfort is especially clutch during anal sex. Lay on your side, with the penetrating partner wrapped behind you, big-spoon style.

The great thing about this position is you both have a degree of control.

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